Last week, we were reminded of just how shocking and painful death can be. Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna were suddenly killed in a helicopter crash and across media platforms of all kinds, people tried to process their grief. Adults who did not even know the father and daughter personally were deeply affected and had trouble finding words to express what they felt. Imagine being a child and trying do the same emotional work.

 

So, I wanted to highlight a few books which invite children (with varying degrees of directness) to wonder, experience feelings and ask questions about death. They approach the topic in a variety of ways: poetically, analytically, through the loss of a pet, or the loss of a parent. I share them together not to treat these experiences as the “same.” Rather, different children are going to need different avenues when it comes to by which to approach this sad and confusing topic. This is often why we don’t end up opening up the conversation at all! But hopefully these books provide a door-way. From there, if we listen and make ourselves available, each child will show us what they need and are ready for.

 

Grandpa’s Stories: A Book of Remembering by Joseph Coelho, illustrated by Allison Colpoys

This beautiful, poetic story takes us through a year, season by season, in the life of a little girl and her grandpa. I love that this book takes time to show us how special their relationship is, how full of specific, unique memories and experiences.

The little protagonist wishes she could make her grandpa better just by “listening, listening, listening to every tale he has to tell.” But, on the next page we see an empty chair and are told that “some tales are silent.” As the little girl’s parents include her in the process of cleaning out grandpa’s room, she finds small trinkets and doodads, which remind her of the vibrant, full, storied life he lived.

The story ends with her filling a notebook by drawing and writing “all my grandpa’s memories inside.” The electric oranges and blues of Colpoys’ illustrations help the reader feel like they are sailing from memory to memory right alongside the granddaughter. It is a simple and direct story, which shows that memories are to be treasured and revisited, not buried and forgotten.

One Wave at a Time: A Story about Grief and Healing by Holly Thompson, illustrated by Ashley Crowley

This book begins after the young protagonist’s father has already died. In fact, we do not ever see the father. Through the metaphor of waves, the the little boy explains how so many different feelings come swelling up at different times, overtaking him. Sad waves, mad waves, fear waves. The simple language is very moving and very relatable. We see that his mother and brother are experiencing waves of their own.

Eventually, the little boy and his family join a support group. The book offers some really great, actionable grieving practices that readers could try out–making a “Grief First Aid Kit,” a memory box, a special memory chair where they sit to share stories about dad.

At the end of the book, we are brought back to the wave metaphor. While the waves still come, the little boy is now in control, able to take a breath and “surf them one wave at a time.” At the back of the book, there are further support resources.

Where Do They Go? by Julia Alvarez, illustrated by Sabra Field

Yes, THAT Julia Alvarez! She wrote this lovely book, which is a poem comprised mostly of questions. This book is a great reminder (for us grown-ups!) that we don’t have to have all the answers. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know.”

After wondering, somewhat fancifully, where somebody goes when they die (“Do they turn into clouds and change every hour: a flamingo, a cat, a dancer, a flower?”), the poem then gently moves the reader toward the idea that those who have died are still with us, in some way, through memory and a bond that cannot be broken.

The final line is hopeful, expressing that when you catch a glimpse of your loved one’s memory in the world around you, it is like solving a “small puzzle.” This happens as you move through the world, living your life fully, or as Alvarez puts it, “when I’m loving the world they left me to love.”

Another great thing about this book is that its open-endedness makes it compatible with many different beliefs about death. It asks questions rather than giving answers and creates a space where parents can further process these questions with their child in the way they choose.

A Stone for Sascha by Aaron Becker

This wordless book is also very open to interpretation. You will need to help children make inferences about what the pictures mean. It begins with a family burying their dog in the yard. While her little brother frolics, we can see that his older sister is aching. As the family drives away for a day at the beach, she leans out the window, gazing at the large rock which marks Sascha’s grave.

The book then takes an interesting turn. We are taken from the beach, where the sister is skipping stones, to outer space, where a meteor tears through space toward Earth. We then watch as this rock is transformed through eons of worldly experience–first at the bottom of a lake created by its crater, eventually creeping up to peek through the now dried-out land.

The large rock makes its way into human hands and is used in a variety of ways through many generations, slowly shrinking as it gets chipped away year by year.  Finally, it has been worn down to a fist-sized, smooth, round stone. And this stone is found by the sister, as she reaches beneath the waves at the beach.

It seems to bring her comfort and somehow help her feel connected to Sascha, so she brings it home and places it on Sascha’s grave. The book could lead to really big conversations about the hugeness of the world, the many many generations which have gone before us, and the way in which all things change, and life and death connects us all.

After Life: Ways We Think About Death by Merrie-Ellen Wilcox

For some kids, it may be more comfortable and natural to approach death more analytically. Kids are curious and they don’t all express emotions in the same way or at the same speed. This book is a thorough exploration of the many different ways death is understood around the world. Older kids might want to read it independently, or you could read small sections together with a younger child who has specific questions.

It is a very matter-of-fact book, so it is not necessarily for every child, but if a child seems fed up/frustrated with constant attempts to get them to emote, it could be a good fit, providing some emotional distance from the subject while still opening up the lines of communication and making it safe to talk about.

The book surveys, objectively, the many historical and present-day beliefs and traditions associated with death, so parents who have specific beliefs about the after-life, will want to read this book with their child, so that you can help answer their questions about your family’s belief system.